Closure

Why do we hold on to things for so long? Why is it so hard to let go even when we know it is the right thing to do? Why do we resist change so much? Is it a lack of self-confidence? A wondering if we will make it through to the end of a new adventure? Are we afraid? If so, of what? Is it a lack of trust?

I don’t know. I think it is a mix of all of the above…we are afraid of change because we are comfortable where we are, we are in a “groove.” We don’t have the confidence in ourselves to believe we will make it because we don’t trust that we are who GOD says we are…If we were to look in a mirror and see our reflection as GOD sees us, would it change us? What does that look like?

I had coffee with an old friend a few weeks ago. I went there a bit scared of what would happen. I was worried we would have nothing to say to each other. I was worried we would end up yelling at each other. I was worried the whole thing would go horribly. When I got there I didn’t know how to interact with her, it has been SO MANY years and we are in such different places now. We didn’t discuss anything serious. We didn’t rehash any of our old differences. We just chatted about where we are in life and it was so…refreshing! So…simple. No profound breakthrough that rekindled our close friendship. Yet, in the end it was fine. I left that coffee shop with closure. The end to my thoughts of “what if” and “if only.” What a blessing!
But it took me a good SIX MONTHS to get the nerve to agree to meet her. Even now I can’t tell you why it took me so long or what I was so afraid of. All I know is I am SO GLAD I got over myself and just went. Despite my fear I took that step and I cannot express to you the FREEDOM it brought.

Yet, when it comes to the next step out of my box I fight just as hard…I don’t want that door to crack open, let alone swing open wide! Will I ever learn to trust that step is worth it? Oh how I hope so, but for now I will fight with all my might to keep that door closed…as I wonder why I am doing so, my arms are getting tired and the door may swing soon! My curiosity is getting the best of me…I want to know what is on the other side, yet I am not quite ready to give up the comfort of knowing where I am…